RunOfTheMill

Run-Of-The-Mill Guff-spouter; and Gordon Brown

OH FABIO …

There’s a lot to be said for retaining an air of seductive mystique. The Fiver has long been of the belief, for example, that a humorous tea-time email should always wear gloves to dance a quadrille, never appear in the drawing room before dinner and refrain from performing [censored by Fiver's new in-house ProstateKnackLawyers4U.com consultant] on a first date unless under the influence of at least a liter-and-a-half of dry sherry. By the same process, Fabio Capello’s stock as a managerial clever-clogs has continued to rise through a couple of distinctly iffy showings. The moodiness. The mute, furious look. What was happening in his head? Ooh-ooh, we wished we knew. We wished we knew. But you could bet it was something snazzy.

And so it came to pass that he only went and blew the whole shooting-match by giving his first press conference in English – and publicly outing himself as a disappointingly run-of-the-mill guff-spouter. “I told him he’ll be the captain and he was very, very happy. It’s very important to be a leader and [England's Brave] John Terry is a leader,” Don Fabio hummed this afternoon, announcing that EBJT will be EBSJT against the yee-hawing soccer jocks of USA! USA! USA! tomorrow night. “EBSJT is the nuts,” he added, swallowing another mouthful of the complete seven-volume A-Z of gaffer speak. “He’d run through a brick wall for the shirt – even if it meant actually leaving the field of play to find a brick wall he could run through. He’d do it because he’s a man who eats, sleeps and drinks the armband 24 hours-a-day, which isn’t easy because it’s just an armband and can only produce, at best, a thin kind of gruel when boiled.”

The Fiver may have imagined some of this, having become lost in contemplation as to what it is about Fab that brings to mind Oscar the Grouch. He definitely said it was “too early” to decide whether EBSJT would still be captain against Trinidad and Tobago on Sunday. Presumably in case EBSJT stops being such a wonderful leader at some point in the next three days. But then he also claimed to have “known John Lampard for a long time”. Gah. It’s a bit like finally getting a word out of Mr Darcy and finding out he speaks in a screeching falsetto and lives with his mother. The frown, Don Fabio. Just go back to the frown.

*********************

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“We are indebted to Gemma and Marcus. We desperately want to rescue Coco and give her an adoptive chimpanzee family. We hope they can help us do that” – Alison Cronin, the co-founder of Monkey World in Dorset, thanks Wigan forward Marcus Bent and his girlfriend Gemma Atkinson for their adoption of five-year-old Bryan and their ongoing support in the fight to rescue fellow chimp Coco from Cancun.

*********************

WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR?

‘Author’ Tim Lovejoy, ‘football pundit’ Jamie Redknapp, ‘prime minister’ Gordon Brown: there are some amateurs out there who have been given fancy job titles just to shut them up. The Fiver should know; it’s been moved sideways so many times its current job title is Deputy Senior Junior Sub-Assistant Vice-Convener Of Good Spelling And Correct Use Of ,Commas And Syntax. Or, at least that is the case, the Fiver likes to think.

So it’s good to see that Avram Grant took a stand after being let go/sacked/stabbed in the back/made a victim of football’s increasingly myopic short-termism. He was offered his old job of director of football, but revealed today he threw it back in melancholy clown-alike Roman Abramovich’s face. “I understand the offer and why it was made but I thought that from my point of view it was not the correct move,” Grant uhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnned in the slightly graver than usual monotone he uses when making a Big Point. “What I discussed [privately] will stay private but let’s say that I saw that it was not a good move for me at this stage.”

There was better news for Henk ten Cate, who reckons his job as Coach In Charge Of Arguing With EBSJT is safe. At least until Abramovich sacks him for getting a bad score on Guitar Hero III (Legends of Rock). “[Slippery Pete Kenyon] told me … that the sacking of Grant would have no consequences for me,” he said, desperately trying to beat Michael Essien’s score on Knights of Cydonia. “I would rather believe him than the newspapers’ reports.”

If there is an upside for Grant and, let’s face it, the poor blighter needs an upside, rumour has it that he’s already being scouted out by a Premier League club. Unfortunately for Avram, that club is Human Rights FC, owned by Thaksin Shinawatra, a man who’s been known to sack people before they finish their sente

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

Nasty Leeds are skint and in League One. QPR have got loads amoney and are in the Championship. It’s a discrepancy that’s not going unnoticed by Jermaine Beckford.

Dean Winda$$ may soon be giving Liam Fontaine the runaround in the Premier League if, as it says here, the Bristol City centre-back joins Liverpool for £1m.

Ex-Chelsea midfielder Maniche and his chubby cheeks are leaving Atlético Madrid on a choo-choo bound for Middlesbrough.

And if Ailsa from Home and Away continues to put Andre Ooijer on the Blackeye Rovers bench then the Dutch defender is going to do one.

*********************

NEWS IN BRIEF

Kwaku Ampim-Darko, the secretary of the Ghanaian U-17 women’s team, has spoken of his anger after an away game at DR Congo in which the ‘Black Maidens’ were … denied food, travel and accommodation, forced to train on a gravel pitch, endured a harrowing bus attack and, during a 3-0 victory, had their goalkeeper karate-chopped in the neck. “This has gone on for far too long both at the club level and at the national level,” he fumed.

BBC pundit Gavin Peacock will become a priest in Canada after Euro 2008.

Man Utd have cashed in their Gerard Piqué chips in exchange for £4m of Barcelona’s summer transfer kitty.

Brazilian side Palmeiras have been fined and given a home ban after they were found guilty of filling the opposition’s dressing room with a mysterious gas. “The general consensus was that it was impossible to find the guilty party and, therefore, Palmeiras were punished as the host team,” parped a Brazilian football federation suit.

Japanese striker Kazuki Ganaha, who took intravenous garlic infusions after coming down with flu, has had his six-game ban overturned on appeal.

Struggling Argentinian side Racing Club have shifted their training base 50km out of Buenos Aires after angry fans invaded a session in the city last week.

No. Seriously. Gavin Peacock really will become a priest in Canada after Euro 2008.

*********************

STILL WANT MORE?

In the first of our Euro 2008 team previews, Paul Doyle takes a gander at Switzerland’s slim chances, while Rob Smyth casts his eye over the Czech Republic.

T4′s Chris Coleman and a whingeing José Antonio Reyes star in The Sids 2008, La Liga’s end-of-season awards extravaganza.

The blind optimism of a Liberal Democrat MP will come in handy when Lembit Opik supports Romania in Euro 2008.

Even though Jose Mourinho’s return to Chelsea would make perfect sense, the ego daren’t writes Kevin McCarra.

And in tomorrow’s £0.80 Big Paper: more build-up to England’s eagerly-awaited USA! USA! USA! friendly; proper journalist David Conn sheds light on the pitfalls of promotion to the Premier League; and the Society section does what it does best …

*********************

FIVER LETTERS

“I trust Nasty Leeds are to appeal to the Football League over the disgraceful decision to award Doncaster one more goal than them on Sunday” – Andy Stiff.

“I’m not sure which is more alarming – that the Fiver had to crib its definition of a cheque (Friday’s rumor mill) from Wikipedia, or that my life was bleak and empty enough on a Friday night for me to look on Wikipedia and confirm my suspicions” – Pete Green.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

*********************

MOUNT OLYMPUS LOOKS TERRIFYING

Tags: Brown, Gordon, Guffspouter, RunOfTheMill